Double Jaw Surgery

8v45pc7vi3… Continue reading

• Pain: 0/10
• Inconvenience: 2/10

Only 2 days left until my 90-day trip is complete!

So today marks my mugshot roundup. I imagine my facial change would be somewhat chartable had I positioned myself the same way for each photo, but since I’m all over the map when it comes to these pictures, the change is slightly more difficult to follow. Perhaps I should be calling this “88 Days of Clown School” instead. It seems more fitting.

I finally ate cereal for breakfast.… Continue reading

• Pain: 0/10
• Inconvenience: 2/10

My awesome new biking helmet. I thought it was white and red, but I realized it was actually white and pink after being mocked by some little punks.

I went to a local baseball game last night. It consisted of 9 long innings, each with a top and a bottom, consisting of repetitive pitching, hitting, catching and running. I was satisfied after 2 of them. This pattern continued for approximately 3 hours, at which point the teams commenced the shaking of each other’s hands and I commenced my return home, vowing to never again be romanced into watching a game of baseball.… Continue reading

• Pain: 0/10
• Inconvenience: 2/10

This is why I don’t grow beards. Ever.

I think I’m going to make tomorrow my shaving day. My patchy beard is growing out of control. If you’ll notice, I can’t connect my mustache to the rest of my facial hair, so I end up looking, well, dirty. I can appreciate a solid mustache, but I cannot stand the thin, wispy excuse that’s growing on my face.

I attempted to eat a chocolate the other day.… Continue reading

• Pain: 0/10
• Inconvenience: 2/10

Aye aye, captain

I’ve decided to cook up a nice dish of recovery tips here for anyone on the road to partake in the feast that is jaw surgery. We’ll start with an appetizer consisting of items you should have handy when you first arrive home from the hospital. The main course will consist of a plethora of useful recommendations, followed by a story about cat burglary for dessert.

I highly suggest you pick up the following essentials before your surgery:

• Food — chicken broth, Ensure, tomato soup, prune juice and smoothie ingredients (whole milk, ice cream, yogurt, peanut butter, honey, strawberries, bananas and oatmeal)
• Entertainment — movies, video games, books and anything else of interest to you that requires minimal energy
• Other — medicated lip balm, several cloths and a couple of hot packs (the ones you’re allowed to heat up in the microwave)

You need not worry about medicine or syringes because the hospital will provide both of these for you.… Continue reading

• Pain: 0/10
• Inconvenience: 2/10

Elastic mayhem!

Get your mind out of the gutter. You do all 3 of those things every single day. I miss those simple functions of my mouth.

Brushing when you cannot spit is more of a challenge than you might realize–you have to gurgle and swish water around constantly. Then, when you finally go to expel all of the matter out of your mouth, you can’t, because you can’t purse your lips into that “spitting shape”. Never, ever take spitting for granted again.… Continue reading

• Pain: 0/10
• Inconvenience: 2/10

You have a working jaw. You’re able to move it back and forth and from side to side. I do not have a working jaw. Today’s mugshot demonstrates exactly how far to the side I can swing my lower jaw right now. I can open my mouth almost as wide as I was able to before the surgery though, so there’s no doubt in my mind that my full, natural range of motion will one day decide to revisit this mouth of mine.… Continue reading

• Pain: 0/10
• Inconvenience: 2/10

Current side profile.

All of my swelling has now dissipated, so that’s the side profile I’m going to live with for the rest of my life. I’m content with how it has decided to turn out. No more underbite.

I went to the Olive Garden with a good friend for dinner last night. She forced me to make an attempt at eating chicken, breadsticks and salad. Lo and behold, I could eat all 3 of those things!… Continue reading

• Pain: 0/10
• Inconvenience: 2/10

My tongue is lacking in range these days.

Ya’know how some people have cool little “body tricks” they’re able to perform? I’m talking about movements such as bending your elbow backwards, rolling your tongue, wiggling your ears or flaring your nostrils. I’ve never been able to perform any of those cute tricks for anyone. What I could do, however, was lick my nose (yes, like a cow). Since surgery, I’ve lost severe mobility in my tongue.… Continue reading

• Pain: 0/10
• Inconvenience: 2/10

Twisted Corona: entertaining guests since 2004.

That’s the second twisted Corona bottle I bought during my trip to Mexico back in 2004. The first one broke approximately 5 minutes after I purchased it. I also learned, during that episode, that the bottle is filled with colored water, despite being priced as if it were filled with real beer.

I’m still eating as much as I possibly can each and every day. I learned, upon weighing myself at the gym today, that I’m now 178 lbs.… Continue reading