Day 15: No, I Do Not Require Assistance While Bathing

  • Pain: 2/10
  • Inconvenience: 5/10

Look at that big, fat lip!

Edit: Today, work was much more bearable. I’m starting to feel a little better every morning.

I’m officially 30 lbs lighter than I was 2 weeks ago. Screw that bogus (and expensive) acai berry diet! If you really want to lose weight, just get your jaw wired shut. I will personally guarantee your results.

I just finished eating “lunch” here at work. Today, “lunch” consisted of 2 chocolate Ensure drinks, and I conveniently spilled them all down my shirt and onto my pants. Oh well, at least it doesn’t show up too much on my WHITE FREAKING SHIRT!!!

My new best friend is Chunky soup, preferably of the beef, steak or sirloin burger persuasion. I’ve been blending up a can at a time (with a bit of milk to remove any substance it may have once had). They’re delicious! Still not filling, but rather tasty.

People keep telling me they’re impressed with my positive attitude. I find that odd, since all I’ve done on this blog (and to people in real life) for the past 2 weeks is complain. That being said, I realize this is only temporary. By the time summer rolls around, I’ll be back to normal, and I get to enjoy my proper bite for the rest of my life (or at least until my teeth fall out). I think a lot of people would be a lot happier if they would accept the fact that their present situation is only temporary. Is school eating you up? Don’t worry, summer holidays are only a few weeks away. Is your current job destroying you? Chances are you won’t hold that same job for the rest of your life. Or even better yet, if you don’t like your job and you have the opportunity, quit. Go find something to do that makes you happy. It could change your life.

I’m beginning to feel quite rude. It’s difficult to go through a day without being able to engage in the common social niceties–things like “hello” and “how was your day?”

I also really miss hanging out with friends. Allow me to walk you through a typical day in my life right now:

  • Wake up after a few hours of sleep with a throbbing jaw
  • Take forever and a day to get ready for work (breakfast: smoothie, glass of juice, glass of water)
  • Deal with a headache at work all day (lunch: Ensure drinks)
  • Drive home, appreciating the sunshine every step of the way
  • Eat some blended Chunky soup and think about being full to try and trick my stomach into thinking it actually is, in fact, full (no matter how much liquid you consume, your body will not feel full)
  • Ignore calls from friends because I can’t talk
  • Listen to the voicemails they leave and wish I was all healed up
  • Eat some more soup because I’m hungry again
  • Play Batman and do awesome kickflips
  • Go to sleep with my cherished hotpack, which smells like cereal after being heated up in the microwave, thus reinforcing my hunger

It’s delightful, isn’t it?

Anyway, today I had my second appointment with my surgeon. While one of his assistants was removing my elastics, she slipped with the scissors and jabbed them right into my lip. Ouch. They taught me how to remove the elastics myself, so I can now take them off to eat and brush whenever I please. They also reduced the number of elastics from 4 down to just 2, so it is much easier to talk now. I actually had a 5-minute conversation with someone at work today. It was a beautiful thing.

I ran into my partner in crime at the doctor’s office as well. Remember the girl that had surgery the same day as I did? She only had her bottom jaw operated on, and she is looking much better than I am. She can talk quite clearly and it seemed like her swelling was almost all gone. She looked fit to be in public! That’s more than I can say for myself. My face is peeling, and I have a weird rash forming around my nose. I’m bringing sexy back.

“I’m just thankful I don’t have to get my Mom to bathe me!”

To my friend who said that to me, thank you. Just for the books, I do not require assistance while bathing, thank you very much!

To wrap this post up, I’d like to say thanks to everyone who is making plans to go out for dinner with me when I’m back to normal. I think I’m going to devote my entire income to eating out for a few months once that happens. Seriously. I also plan on having no less than 1 million barbecues with my neighbors upstairs.

And for those of you who feel bad whenever you’re cooking around me, don’t worry about it. I still enjoy the scent of good food. I can’t believe how many apologies I’ve received from others who are eating in my presence. I brought this on myself. Now don’t go feeling sorry for me.

23 Comments

  1. This is the best blog ever I stumbled on it while I couldn’t sleep one night., its histarical and laughing is hard and no one around me gets it but its so funny.! Just know that someone in the world gets your humour and I’ve spilled on literally every shirt I own so I started out this way as a baby and thought I would only experience it again at very old age however whole I have my mind intact I am experiencing all these people isms. Keep up the funny work I didn’t even check the date on your blog could be years ago., none the less ., thank you.! Oh and baby pablum has tons of vitamins and taste not to bad

  2. At this point in recovery, how wide could you open your mouth? I’m on day 18 post op of my double jaw surgery. I can only open my mouth enough to get a spoon in, but it’s a tight fit.

    • Peter, on Day 15, I definitely was not able to fit a spoon in my mouth. I had only just started drinking from an actual cup. You’re still in good form, so no worries. =)

  3. hi graham thank you so much for this amazing and helpful blog I’m on day 14 post surgery I’m just worried about my nose it’s so much bigger now did the same thing happen to you? how long was it until it was back to its normal size?

    • Ree, your nose, along with the rest of your lower face, is still quite swollen on Day 14. I would give yourself another 2 months before passing any personal judgements on your appearance. =)

  4. Omg ok it’s my last comment for tonight but ; my hot pack with careal make me hungry to 😀 😀 lollllll

  5. hi Graham–i just found your blog and have spent the last 20 min reading, giggling, and crying. thanks so much for posting your jawpertunity (i’ve been calling it this to remain positive). had had upper/lower surgery, too, lost 15 lb (now 105, so not cool). i’m in week 9 and am still in four elastics and still cannot chew a potato. i don’t get it. so i desperately called a physical therapist today and am doing these weird exercises to stretch my mouth. you’re blog has brought a huge, odd looking smile to my face today! thank you!

    • Zoë, your invention of the word “jawpertunity” made me smile. Webster will be picking that up soon, I imagine.

      Try chewing gum and whistling to rebuild the strength in your jaw muscles and break up the scar tissue. Another exercise that helps stretch those muscles out is quite simple—talking. If there’s no one to talk to, singing will do just as well. Those activities should get you back into a regular chewing pattern over the course of 2-3 weeks. =)

  6. Joe, I believe my front teeth lined up right off the bat, but I had an open bite on both sides of my mouth following surgery. These problems will all be fixed with orthodontics in the few months that follow your recovery, so now worries!

  7. Hey Graham, so I’ve been noticing, as my swellings been going down, that the midlines of my top and bottom teeth are way off (i.e. top two middle teeth don’t align with the bottom two middle teeth). I understand that this may be fixed with orthodontics, but was this the case for you as well?

  8. I’m glad your first day back at school went well, Margaret! I had a feeling you’d be an all-star!

    My swelling was gone (for the most part) by about the two-month mark, so you’ve got a ways to go yet. I wasn’t able to eat solid food again until eight weeks post-op, but most people can eat a few weeks earlier than that.

    Best of luck again tomorrow!

  9. Okay so school went really well!! Like, first block was hard but after that I pretty much was good. I just took a vitamin water with me for lunch because I’d rather end up spilling that on myself (if that did happen) opposed to some ensure. haha
    It wasn’t tiring but my jaw started to ache from trying to talk to my friends. The only thing that brought me low self-esteem was that my best friends said I looked like a baby and it seemed as if I had gotten botox…..hahaha great friends right? 😛
    But everyone else was very understanding, including my teachers. I’m catching up on school-work but I honestly didn’t miss much.
    I just wanted to ask you- How long was it until your swelling pretty much went away? Unlike you I had really bad bruising on my chin and down my entire chest, which apparently happens to alot of ppl, but it’s finally all gone.
    And when were you able to kind of eat again? Last night I had a dream…..about eating a hamburger. Sad, very sad. I never thought I’d miss food so much!!
    Thanks for everything,
    Margaret

  10. Margaret, I wouldn’t leave you hanging! Good luck tomorrow and let me know how it goes. =)

  11. Omg!! You actually replied!! Wow I’m really amazed (and glad) that you still keep up with people’s questions even though it’s been so long since your own surgery.
    I’m looking forward to school tomorrow 🙂
    Thanks Graham!!

  12. Hi Margaret!

    The end of the second week is great, isn’t it? Your energy is returning, your speech is improving, and things are looking up.

    If you have the energy to go to school, I think you should. After undergoing something as severe as jaw surgery, people will understand why you’re swollen and perhaps not talking as much as usual. I was actually surprised at how supportive my friends were when I was in your shoes.

    At the very worst, you’ll discover you’re not ready for school yet and you can take a few more days off.

    Good luck and enjoy being back with your friends!

  13. I’m on recovery day 14 now… And school starts tomorrow! I have to meet my doctor tomorrow for the second week post op meeting, and will probably have new bands on. Right now they’re in the front of my mouth, making it impossible to talk. I have so much more energy than last week though (I’m really glad!). But I wanted to ask you, would you recommend that I go to school the next day? I don’t want to miss anymore class. Luckily I’ve missed three days because of winter break. One problem is that I can’t close my mouth fully..my lips are still swollen and so there’s a gap showing my teeth…its awkward haha but I think people will understand.

  14. I have a rash too buddy and its not very pleasant, its like my skin is peeling off and i cant even feel it, pft. I hope it goes quickly.

  15. Jon, you’re already almost a week in! Wait until that 2-week mark, my friend!

  16. Melissa, my 30 lbs in 2 weeks scenario won’t happen to you. I was putting weight on before my surgery so I weighed about 15-20 lbs more than my natural weight. If you go into surgery at your normal weight, you’ll probably only lose 10 lbs or so. =)

  17. Hey, Thanks for posting this. Reading through this actually makes me feel prepared for what is to come (Surgery Date was July 21st, 2010) Today (July 25th, 2010). And this is really helping! Melissa, don’t worry! I was 135lbs, i thought the same as you, because i’ve been trying to gain weight for the past 3 years. Your body will only lose so much weight, so don’t worry about it!

  18. So Im slowly reading through all of this, Im just at day 15, but Im quite enjoying it, I cant say it’s reassuring but I do enjoy reading about eveything that is about to happen to me. Except for ont things. after 15 days yous lost 30 pounds…..how terrible, Im only 110, I cant afford to lose that much weight. My surgery is on the 4th of August, It’s coming so fast….How am I supposed to gain weight until then!

  19. I don’t know who you are, but I know you’re abusing George Hamilton’s name straight from the U of A campus, so I have my guesses.

  20. You should definitely ask your partner in crime out for dinner when you are more able to eat. It would be a pretty touching love story.

    Trust me – I’m George Hamilton.

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