MonthApril 2010

Day 29: Backstreet Boys

  • Pain: 1/10
  • Inconvenience: 5/10

I should be getting paid for this.

I used to have a clean mouth. I brushed twice daily, rinsed with mint-flavored mouthwash, and liked to think I had fairly fresh breath. I even flossed once in a while (or, if my dentist is reading this, every single day).¬†Unfortunately, that is no longer the case. Next to being able to eat, talk, breath and smile, I’m definitely excited about the idea of being able to … Continue reading

Day 28: The Best Buy Movie Date

  • Pain: 1/10
  • Inconvenience: 5/10

I’ve got soul.

See that sad excuse for facial hair, hiding under my lip? People call that a soul patch. It was popular during the 50s and 60s among jazz trumpeters because it provided comfort in the presence of a trumpet’s mouthpiece. I, however, do not play trumpet, nor do I live in the 60s, nor do I like soul patches. Why is it there, then? Well, I can’t get my razor up under my big, … Continue reading

Day 27: The Flawed Feeling of Being Full

  • Pain: 1/10
  • Inconvenience: 5/10

I grew up on a bee farm. Consult my resumes and cover letters–they all talk about it quite extensively (much to the frustration of certain people in my life who continually inform me that I need to be more professional). I can never call it that when I’m speaking to cattle or grain farmers because it offends them. They tell me that I have no right to call it a “farm” because it lacks both animals … Continue reading

Day 26: Rubber Chickens and Shaving

  • Pain: 4/10
  • Inconvenience: 5/10

Best friends since 2006.

Say hello to my rubber chicken. His name is Jonathan and I found him while snowboarding 4 years ago. I could have traded him in for some lame prize pack that Burton was giving out as a reward for finding these little treasures, but I chose to keep the chicken. This has nothing at all to do with jaw surgery. I just thought it was time Jonathan had his moment in the … Continue reading

Day 25: The Fortress of Ensure

  • Pain: 1/10
  • Inconvenience: 5/10

This is where it all started…

That photo was taken when I was… oh, around 3 years old I think? I can’t really remember. All I can recall is that my bowtie squeaked when you squeezed it. As adorable as I was in my pink dress shirt and navy blue suspenders, I still had several problems. I wore bifocals since I fought my way out of the womb due to an astigmatism in 1 of my … Continue reading

Day 24: Skinny Jeans and Airkicks

  • Pain: 1/10
  • Inconvenience: 5/10

I tried eating a Ritz cracker. I failed. The lesson is: never try.

I woke up this morning and decided to try something new. I started rifling through my wardrobe until I stumbled upon a pair of jeans I haven’t worn in quite a while, due to them being way too tight for my liking. Well, with the advent of 30 pounds of my body disappearing in a puff of smoke, they now fit! I’ll get … Continue reading

Day 23: 6 Reasons I Got Jaw Surgery

  • Pain: 1/10
  • Inconvenience: 5/10

No, no, I’m not going to end it all. That knife is there to represent all the vegetables I’ll be chopping for all the salad I’m going to be eating soon. It’s going to be so satisfying to crunch through a piece of celery. Perhaps this photo would fit better with the day I finally cracked.

So I arrived home last night at around 6:30 pm. Dinner time. I could smell the most delicious burgers … Continue reading

Day 22: I’ve Finally Cracked

  • Pain: 1/10
  • Inconvenience: 5/10

Proud to be Canadian.

That’s my giant camping backpack, or at least the top 1/3 of it. I can pack everything I need to survive in there–a sleeping bag, a thermos, food, water, clothing, rope, knives, matches and a small tarp. Oh, and maybe a toothbrush, if there’s room. Once I’m healed, I’m going to be going camping with said backpack. I’m going to roast hot dogs and fry steaks. I’m going to chop wood. I’m … Continue reading

Day 21: Sue Thomas: F.B.Eye

  • Pain: 1/10
  • Inconvenience: 5/10

You’d think someone who was banned from eating for 2 months would have every desire to go out for a big, fancy meal when that ban was lifted, but you’d be wrong. My very first meal will be Kraft Dinner. And it’s going to be the best damn Kraft Dinner that anyone ever did eat!

Today marks the end of my 3rd week post-op. You know what that means, right? It means I’m exactly 1/4 of … Continue reading

Day 20: The Liver and Onion Smoothie

  • Pain: 1/10
  • Inconvenience: 5/10

That’s me and my beloved grill. Sometimes it’s the only piece of cookware I need for the entire week. I plan on using it extensively, beginning a few months from now.

I’ve started to compile a list of the meals I’m going to eat and the places I’m going to eat them at. I know, it’s slightly pathetic that I’m actually devoting precious time to this effort, but the idea of eating real food is¬†… Continue reading